st0ries.com

By Terry Bisson

Look what I found in the driveway,” said Billy’s father. He held up a little rocket ship. “I almost ran over it. Does it belong to anyone here?” “No, sir,” said Billy. “We have a problem then,” said Billy’s father. “It must be a spaceship from another planet.” “Is there anyone inside?” asked Billy’s mother. She was carving the turkey. They had turkey every night. Billy’s father held the little rocket ship up to his ear and shook it. “No,” he said. “That means they must be hiding here in the house somewhere.” “May I be excused?” asked Billy. “Not until you eat your turkey,” said Billy’s mother. Billy went to his room and opened his drawer. It was filled with little spacemen. They had landed in the driveway the night before. They had climbed in the window and hidden in his drawer.

Billy had pretended to be asleep but he had watched the whole thing from under the covers. “Who are you?” asked the spacemen when Billy opened the drawer. Billy told them. “What planet are you from?” he asked. “Wouldn’t you like to know,” they said. They were wearing space helmets. “Is this Earth?” “Yes,” said Billy. “You can take off your space helmets. There’s plenty of air here. It’s not like the Moon.” Billy had learned about the Moon at school. There is no air on the Moon. “Your air stinks,” said the spacemen. “It does not,” said Billy. “It does so,” said the spacemen. They put their helmets back on. “We are here to conquer Earth,” they said. “We are going to kill everybody and then it will smell better.” “You are too little,” said Billy. “That’s why we need your help,” said the spacemen. “I’m just a little boy,” said Billy. The next morning the spacemen were still in the drawer. “Look what we found,” they said. “That’s just a pencil,” said Billy. “It is not, it’s a spear,” said the spacemen. “Sharpen it for us.” Billy stuck the pencil in his electric pencil sharpener. A little light came on when the pencil was sharp. He gave it back to the spacemen. “I think you should go home,” he said. “You can keep the pencil.” “It’s a spear,” said the spacemen. “And we don’t care what you think. Take us to your leader. We will kill him and take his keys.” “I have to go to school,” said Billy. “That’s even better,” said the spacemen. “We can hide in your lunchbox.” “What if I say no?” said Billy. “Then we’ll kill you too,” said the spacemen. Billy took the spacemen to school. They were hiding in his lunchbox. It had a rocket ship on it.

“That’s a stupid lunchbox,” said the teacher. “That rocket doesn’t look real.” “It does so,” said Billy. It was embossed. “And it’s full of spacemen. They intend to conquer Earth.” “That I want to see,” said the teacher. “It’s your funeral,” said Billy. He opened his lunchbox. The spacemen jumped out and killed the teacher. All the kids screamed. Pretty soon the police came. They took Billy home. “The teacher killed himself with a pencil,” said the police. “All the kids were screaming.” “It must have been a tragedy,” said Billy’s mother. “It was his own fault,” said Billy. Billy went to his room. He dumped the spacemen out of his lunchbox into his drawer. “You almost got me in trouble,” he said. “That was my teacher you killed.” “That was just for practice,” said the spacemen. “Now take us to your leader so we can kill him and take his keys.” “What if I say no?” “Then we’ll kill you too,” said the spacemen. “But if you help us conquer Earth, we’ll make you King.” “Hmmmm,” said Billy. “Let me think about it.” Billy was only pretending to think about it. He didn’t want to be King. He was just a little boy. But he was afraid of the spacemen. What if they killed him? He decided to fool them. “Okay,” he said. He took the spacemen into the bathroom and put them on the toilet seat. “What’s this?” they asked. “It’s round.” “The White House,” said Billy. “It’s supposed to be round.” He picked up a toothbrush and hid it behind his back. “Where is your leader?” asked the spacemen. “Down there,” said Billy. “Look.”

The spacemen leaned over the edge and looked down. Billy knocked them into the water with the toothbrush. Their helmets made them float. Billy flushed the toilet and they disappeared. Then he flushed it again just to be sure. “Get a load of this,” said Billy’s father. He was reading the paper. “Spacemen Suspected in Teacher Death.” “What spacemen?” said Billy’s mother. “I never heard anything about any spacemen.” “They were little,” said Billy. “But they were mean.” He told his parents how he had fooled the spacemen and flushed them down the toilet. “They intended to kill us all and conquer Earth,” he said. “That was a close call,” said Billy’s father. “I guess we can get rid of this little rocket now.” He took out his hammer and broke it. Then he passed the turkey. “You could have been King,” said Billy’s mother. “Instead you are a hero.” “No,” said Billy proudly. “I’m just a little boy.”

By: Bisson, Terry. Fantasy & Science Fiction, Aug2006